Take time to think of the things that people say to you that get you primed for a conflict, or to defend yourself as you read some of the pitfalls to communicating cooperatively.
- Lack of Listening/Understanding - One of the primary reasons people talk to others is a desire, or need to be understood and to feel accepted. We all want to feel listened to. We prefer that people agree with us, but our primary desire is to be UNDERSTOOD and heard. When two people talk, and one perceives that the other is not making an effort to understand, frustration and anger often result. This kind of conversation is a real relationship killer.
- "Less Than" Communication - We know that any language or action that somehow demeans or suggests that a person is "less than" another person, tends to trigger either a counterattack or defensiveness. What most people don't realize is that every day language used by most of us can convey that message in subtle ways. For example, what reaction wells up inside you when someone says: "Whatever" in response to something you said. If you are like most people, you might experience a minor angry reaction, or perhaps a major one. Why is that? Because "whatever" has a hidden message underneath it. The REAL message is "you aren't important enough for me to bother listening to you, or responding to you", or 'this is trivial, and so are you right now". Since people in general are quite sensitive to both direct insults and indirect, somewhat hidden insults, all of us need to become more sensitive to the indirect ways we create friction with those around us. We need to avoid those subtle remarks if we want to create positive workplace relationships.
- Communicating Mistrust - Even when people are clearly unreliable in the workplace, suggesting to them that they are unreliable is likely to begin a shooting war that can last forever. The important part is to realize that statements of mistrust are likely to poison relationships even if there is valid reason for mistrust.
- Violations of Conversation Rules - Conversation rules are important since they allow two people to talk in some orderly fashion. First, we expect that when one person talks, the other will refrain from talking at the same time. When two peopole talk, the one who is speaking will send subtle cues, both verbal and nonverbal to indicate that s/he is finished talking and it is now the other person's turn. Second, we expect that when one person finishes speaking, the other person will somehow "link up" to what the other person said. For example, if you are talking to your boss about an important project, you don't expect him/her to change the subject to the price of potatoes in Idaho (unless of course your project has to do somehow with potatoes). When these rules are violated the person violating them is seen as uninterested, selfish, rude or demeaning. Often the breaking of these rules sends the message that the other speaker is insignificant. In these situations the likely best result is frustration. The more likely response to people who constantly violate these rules is anger and a desire to avoid the person.
- Blatant Generalizations - Blatant Generalizations are essentially "overstatements" or exaggerations, and usually contain words like "always", "never", "every time", etc. The major reason it mobilizes resistance and causes people's messages to go unheard is that generalizations are almost always wrong. After all, what really occurs every time, each and every time? When a speaker uses generalizations or overstatements, listeners tend to look for ways to attack the "always" position, or poke holes in the argument. While they are doing that, they aren't listening any more as they prepare to present THEIR counter-arguement.
- Power/Status-Based Communication - Power based or status based communication refers to communication that relies on the power or status of the speaker to pressure or convince another. For example, a person with an advanced academic degree (like a PhD.) might say: "I have a PhD. in this." to try to intimiate a person into accepting what they have to say. Presenting oneself as an expert in a subject can also be problematic, particularly if that expertise is self-proclaimed. The problem is that people resent those that use power/status-based communication because they see it as "putting on airs", or, using a position of power or status in an unfair way. Even if a person has that power or status to wield, the use of this kind of communication encourages people to knock them down a peg, either publicly or privately.
This is an excerpt from Conflict Prevention In The Workplace. For more detailed help on workplace conflict, click here.
You can learn more about cooperative communication, by looking at a free preview of the Communicating Cooperatively In The WorkPlace helpcard. |
Conflict Management 
